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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26356090">When did he lose control?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abuse, Angst, Beomgyu suffers, Bulimia, Child Abuse, Eating Disorders, Hurt No Comfort, I just write this while im sad, Mommy Issues, Oh no fajr is happening i need to go to sleep byeee, Other, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, This was supposed to be just ed but mommy issues doe, beomgyu is my muse, emotional outlet, i am projecting, i will get to the eating disorder part eventually i swear, i write this while listening to pop gg music so it balances out, im sorry, not beta read we die like men, please dont read if easily triggered, read at ur own risk, taegyu if u squint, this is a vent fic, this is so triggering, vent - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 05:22:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,571</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26356090</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Choi beomgyu lets himself be consumed. The want for stability mixed with the stress of life makes him need something to grab onto. Beomgyu made a safety blanket out of pins and needles.</p><p>Or</p><p>Choi beomgyu has an eating disorder.</p><p>[Discont. For now]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>HERE ARE YOUR WARNINGS</p><p>TRIGGER WARNING<br/>this fic will contain triggering content relating to eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, abuse, and self harm. </p><p>Please read the tags and stay safe.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Beomgyu doesn't remember when this started.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He's sitting on the bathroom floor, tired, shaky, and alone. His world feels like it's collapsing atop him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Beomgyu hyung?? Are you okay??" A voice called out. It was Taehyun. The pink haired boy heard Beomgyu coughing and came to check on him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beomgyu wanted to end it all. He was tired and afraid. His head was threatening to explode and his body was bruised. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You're so worthless. Are you happy with what you've done to yourself? Look at the mess you made. Why can't you just stop binging? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beomgyu's thoughts clouded his head. He felt so drained from purging. His lungs felt like they were closing in, his throat sore, his eyes red. He felt like he was going to die.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beomgyu sighs and leans back onto the wall. When did he let it get this bad?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>When did he lose control?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Lies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>1.</p>
<p>Beomgyu lies.</p>
<p>Beomgyu lies and lies and lies. He wasn't good at it at first, but he's learned. His face doesn't immediately heat up anymore, he can keep up eye contact more often.</p>
<p>Beomgyu lies through vomit stained teeth and handfuls of sins. Part of his mind says that this is good for him, that this is protecting him, that this is helping him.</p>
<p>I'm trying to save you, can't you see?</p>
<p>Beomgyu is drowning, and the only person that can pull him out is himself.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>HEY so i have the next few chapters already planned out and chapter 2 is basically fully written so expect a bunch of updates soon</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Habits</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this one's for my bad bitches with mommy issues ❗ Ok now but seriously the amount of projecting in this fic is horrendous anyways love yall stay safe</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>2.</p><p>Beomgyu hates coming home from school. It's not like school is exactly fun, but it's better than being at home.</p><p>He walks in, only to be greeted by his mother's voice on the phone. <em>She's clearly tired, better not annoy her today</em>. Beomgyu thinks. It's something he's had to learn, <em>do not poke the bear</em>. He's learned to pick up on when his mother was frustrated or angry, and he's made sure to stay out of the way when he expects something. Not like it's helped much, but at least he tries.</p><p>Beomgyu hates his mother, and he means every bit of the word. It makes him feel guilty, he shouldn't hate his mother, right? Mothers are meant to protect their children and do their best, <em>right?</em> Apparently not, unless of course Beomgyu's mother viewed letting him bleed out on concrete as caring.</p><p>There was always something that brought him back to her, when she'd comfort him after a long day at school. Or when she watched a show with him every once and awhile. Just enough attention to make Beomgyu believe she'd change, but of course, she never did.</p><p>Beomgyu quickly ran up to his bedroom so he could change his clothes. Changing isn't exactly his favourite thing to do, he knows if he stares at himself in the mirror too long it'll become another 20 minute body check; and of course, it's as he expected. Beomgyu stares at himself, criticising everything he sees, pulling at every bit of skin and poking at every bone. It gives him a sick sense of comfort; to feel his ribs sticking out, to poke at his stomach. He was a perfectionist, needing everything to be just right.</p><p>He sighed and went back to his bed. He was tired, to say the least. He knew his mother would be screaming at him to get up and finish his work soon.</p><p>Sometimes he wondered if constantly feeling numb was normal, if this was normal. He'd gotten used to feeling nothing, it scared him; it scared him how nothing phased him anymore. Everything around him has lost its colour. Why should anything excite him anyway? He'd had his only passion taken away from him. His world had gotten stuck in black and white, the line between reality and daydreams now blurred. Nothing actually felt real to him. He's had to learn that this is reality now, it's <em>his</em> reality now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Dinner</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>4.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dinnertime is Beomgyu's least favourite time of the day. Everything felt too much. Being pressured to eat was one of his worst fears, and he had to live it everyday. Everything on his plate felt like too much. He felt so out of control. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This isn't right</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he thought. He knew he had to purge again, he knew how much purging hurt him, he knew how much it'll continue to hurt him; but anything is better than keeping his meal down. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beomgyu would do anything to get back in control. The voice in his head which told him that this was good for him, that he was doing what was right always drowned out his senses. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mom was calling one of her coworkers while sitting on the table, meaning he could eat as little as possible without her paying too much attention. He has to focus on what he's doing, the calculator in his head never stops ticking as he pushes around the food in his plate. He sips his water and tries not to panic. He's </span>
  <em>
    <span>pathetic. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Why should anyone be this scared of food? As soon as the clock hits eight, he gets up quietly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beomgyu's mind fogs up, the part of him telling him to purge, to let everything out; battling with the part of him that tells him to distract himself, that everything will be okay if he just lets go. It's a fit of panic about whether to go into the bathroom or not. Beomgyu is tired of this, he's tired of having to feel on edge all the time. He's tired of only ever thinking about his next meal or how much he weighs or how many calories are in something- his brain is running a marathon and his body can't keep up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beomgyu finds himself shaking on the bathroom floor. It was all a blur, the rush to get rid of the feeling of fullness, the bruises on his knees when he gets up, the way his body found itself in the same situation every day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He feels cold and shaky. This was supposed to help him, so why does he feel like this? Beomgyu feels like a failure. Why is this comforting to him? Why does being in pain feel like home?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn't really have the answer. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Wait for tomorrow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>5.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" his mom's voice cried out. It was full of poison, no genuine concern could actually be noted in it. She grabbed his wrists, roughly pushing up his sleeve to see the fresh red marks on his arms. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He feels himself get thrown on the floor. He knows what's about to happen, so he lets his mind remove itself from his body. Her punches hurt a little less, her words don't sting as much as they're supposed to. He's kind of numb to it at this point.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"You really haven't grown out of this 'depression' phase?? God! You're such an attention whore. You know what? Get the fuck out of my house, right now!" Were the words that snapped Beomgyu out of his trance</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The unfamiliar feeling of fear rushed to his brain. It's not supposed to get this serious. It's not like this was the first time she'd done this, so why was he so scared? He had nowhere to go.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had nowhere to go. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>–———</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It's almost dark and he's in the street, alone and cold. He had no money, how the fuck was he supposed to get a cab to a hotel or a friend's house?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Two rings. All it took was two rings for taehyun to pick up. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Taehyun," Beomgyu choked back a sob. "I really need you right now. Please." </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He'd already heard taehyun open his front door to leave his house.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm on my way, are you near the park?" All Beomgyu could utter was a simple yeah before ending the call.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beomgyu felt really fucking guilty. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He ghosted Taehyun for weeks, ignored his messages and calls, hid from him at school, and yet; Taehyun is still there when he needs him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He's such a terrible friend isn't he? Taehyun should just leave him to rot, shouldn't he? There's nothing on the line, </span>
  <em>
    <span>so why was Taehyun still there for him?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He decided to stop himself from overthinking. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not right now, </span>
  </em>
  <span>he thought.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>––—</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was at Taehyun's house, looking bruised and bloody. He knew he owed the younger boy an explanation, but maybe if he ignored reality long enou–</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Beomgyu." </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Uh oh. There it is.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Mind explaining what the fuck happened?" The boy asked matter-of-factly. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"It's nothing–"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Now you and I both know </span>
  <em>
    <span>this</span>
  </em>
  <span> isn't nothing. I'm your best friend for fucks sake! Why don't you trust me anymore? What happened to you Gyu?" Taehyun said, his voice a little louder than he intended. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beomgyu knew his best friend was hurt. I mean, why wouldn't he be?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Beomgyu really didn't know where to start. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"I'm sorry." The older boy said quietly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You fucking should be– Gyu? Are you crying? Hey, hey it's okay, You're okay, I'm here." Taehyun pulled the boy closer to him, holding him tight. Beomgyu was full on sobbing at this point, the stress of the past week had really gotten to him. Maybe letting himself be vulnerable right now was gonna bite him in the ass later, but he just wanted some comfort right now. And maybe a good night's sleep.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"It's okay, we don't have to talk about it right now if you don't want to, let's just go to sleep okay? You're gonna be okay, I'm here." Taehyun said in a low tone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Please let me sleep. I'll tell you everything tomorrow just– Please." Beomgyu let out weakly. The younger complied, pulling him up onto the bed and going to turn off the lights. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>"Stay." Beomgyu said. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And Taehyun did.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>HI UMM sorry for ghosting this fic for so long i was kinda going through smth BUT i am back to bring u: me projecting onto beomgyu once again. i swear ill try to update more frequently !!! ps i wrote this whole chapter while listening to hozier and i think that says a lot about me<br/>-  oak<br/>also ! i opened a <a href="https://curiouscat.me/primidonaboy">cc</a> send me smth!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Heavy confessions and princess movies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>6.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beomgyu was stuck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He could see everything clearly, but he couldn't move. He wanted to scream, to cry, to do something. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Right now he floats in the middle of space, not knowing what comes next. A big wave of dread fills him. Where is he? What is he doing here? Is he dead? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Why couldn't he do anything? He was panicking, his hands shaking and his body weak. He tried and tried and tried to get up but it was to no avail.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He will be stuck in this limbo forever won't he? Because it's what he deserves, he deserves this eternal suffering. He wonders what he must've done in his past life for it to be like this. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's at a crossroads hoping that someone will save him soon, that someone will help him. No one comes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beomgyu hears a familiar voice call out to him, soft but growing stronger and clearer with every second. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Hyung, you need to get up. It's almost 10." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oh.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's not dead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything becomes slightly clearer as Beomgyu wakes up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Is this real? Is he still dreaming? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Taehyun?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'm here. Come on, my dad won't be home till tomorrow. We can make breakfast." Taehyun replied once he realized the older boy was awake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beomgyu rubs his eyes slightly. He notices he's in new clothes. He can smell taehyun's shampoo in his hair. The memories of the day before are groggy, but they're there.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Okay, just go down. I'll be there in a minute." Beomgyu eventually managed to say. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>–––––</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Once Beomgyu made it down to the kitchen, he noticed the smaller boy had already set out two plates of food on the counter. He took a seat beside the smaller boy and started taking small bites of the (slightly burnt) scrambled eggs his friend had made. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"So.." Taehyun started.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I know. I'm sorry. I probably owe you an explanation don't I?" Beomgyu laughed nervously to try and ease the tension. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What- no! You don't owe me anything–" Taehyun blurted out. "–but I'd like it if you trusted me enough to tell me." The boy said sheepishly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beomgyu took a deep breath. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This would change how Taehyun viewed him, wouldn't it? Should he tell him? Should he brush him off? He doesn't really know. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Admitting it to Taehyun meant saying it was real. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Who was Beomgyu to say he's suffered? His mother loves him, doesn't she? She cooks his meals, she helps him with his work, she buys him gifts. He's so ungrateful, isn't he? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But part of him wants to tell Taehyun, he wants to reach and tell the younger boy all his secrets. He wants the venom in him to slowly leave his body as he erases every white lie he's ever told.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"It–" Beomgyu lets out a shaky breath before continuing. "It was my mom." He said quietly. "This- this wasn't the first time either. I'm sorry I didn't tell you." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beomgyu looks up from his lap when he suddenly feels Taehyun hugging him. He doesn't think he's ever been held this tight. He can hear Taehyun holding back his tears beside him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" is all Taehyun can say, his eyes getting muddy with tears. "Why are you apologising? You didn't do anything." Beomgyu reassured him, but it was to no avail. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry. I should've known. I had my suspicions I just didn't– I didn't think she could do that to her only son–" Taehyun hurriedly blurts out. Beomgyu can feel the hurt in his words. And as much as Beomgyu reassures him that he couldn't have known, he knows the younger boy isn't really convinced.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>–––</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a while, they've both calmed down and have moved to Taehyun's living room to try and find a movie to watch. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Have you told anyone– about your mom, I mean." Taehyun says suddenly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I can't" Beomgyu says matter-of-factly. "They won't believe me." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Mothers don't beat their children, I'm sure she's just trying to look out for you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> The voice rings in Beomgyu's head. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Do you know when she'll let you go back?" Taehyun asks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As much as Beomgyu wishes going back wasn't the only option; he was 17, he didn't really get to make that decision.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Maybe a week. She'll run out of excuses when my dad comes back from his business trip." Beomgyu says.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Do you wanna stay here until then?" Taehyun offered suddenly. "–you won't bother me or my dad, I promise." He quickly follows up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beomgyu hums in response. "I'd like that, yeah." He says. Hoping his voice didn't crack too much at the end. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Okay." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"You still haven't picked a movie yet, by the way. You're still on the selection page." Taehyun says, trying to switch the topic.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Can we watch Cinderella again?" Beomgyu asks innocently. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Gyu, this is the 26th time–"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"But it's one of the greatest movies of all </span>
  <em>
    <span>timeeee" </span>
  </em>
  <span>Beomgyu whines. They fall into easy conversation after that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Beomgyu realizes that right now, just for a moment;</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He might be okay one day.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hellooooo oak here ! sorry for ghosting this fic for a while again lol i got covid nd it was not fun. wear ur masks and stay safe yall. Anyways, i wrote this at 4 am because i couldnt sleep. Pls do leave comments it makes me very happy !!! u could also talk to me on my <a href="https://curiouscat.me/primidonaboy">cc</a> !!!</p><p>- oak</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Author's note</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Hey everyone. This is just a quick author's note</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So i will probably not be continuing this until a later time, its very draining to write very emotional scenes and im not rly in the right mindset as of the time being. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I have to focus on my studies right now and writing is very distracting. i would love to come back to this fic one day but right now that just isnt possible. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>However, do expect shorter less intense fics from me as i do use those to practice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>thank u sm for reading and i will see u at a later time !!</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>love,</span>
</p><p>
  <span>oak :] </span>
</p><p>
  </p><p>
  <a href="https://curiouscat.me/primidonaboy">cc</a>
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